the other side

I am sorry for all you've been through during 2018. I am sorry for all the broken promises you had in the beginning of the year. I am sorry for the nights you stayed up alone, trembling and crying silently. I am sorry for wasting your time on the wrong people for the sake of something new. I am sorry for ignoring you, giving up for too many times. I am sorry for not even know how to please you, how to get chill, and stuff. I am sorry for getting you trapped in your walls. I am sorry for keep making you believe that happiness is a myth. I am sorry for letting you lose your trust and fill your head with what if's. I am sorry for this kind of life you have to live, seems unbearable but you have to keep going. Now here we are, survived the whole year. Be strong, since 2019 is coming.

"Since Christmas was over, are you really not coming and giving me something sweet? Again? I am not saying that I've been a good one for the whole year, but... What does 'good' means, anyway? To whom? When it comes about personal, like self-love, I guess it's acceptable for you not to count me in. But I cried a lot this year. No, it's even way too much. Thought I deserve a thing or two to cheer me up. No? Ahh..  Is it because I keep saying that 'happiness is a myth'? As if I refuse the fact that you exist? Okay whatever with being good and stuff. I just love the way you look, anyway. You make me survive December and I thank you for that."

Hari itu aku menangis. Lalu kamu datang dan aku merasa bahwa semua bisa baik-baik saja. Hari ini aku menangis. Saat kamu pergi dan aku merasa bahwa semua bisa baik-baik saja.

I was serious when I talked about a chance to get better with you. Turned out that I was wrong and damn it hurts. Never knew that it would be this much. Almost unbearable. Leaving me with why's and what if's. I am not surprised but still, this heart-ache is killing me. You are pretty good to make me feel bad enough about myself. I thank and congratulate you for that. If only I could turn back time, I still want to redo what we shared together cause that was the first time I felt alive since I don't know. Cheers and good luck for your life.

Tanggal satu bulan sebelas Hari ini kami pergi  piknik ke kebun binatang. Dia yang menyiapkan makanannya sementara saya yang membuat daftar makanannya. Hari ini kami menyatu dengan kerumunan orang yang bersiap untuk melihat-lihat dan berjalan-jalan. Saya kegirangan bermain balon tiup yang terbuat dari air sabun sementara dia berdiri kepanasan di antrean pembelian tiket masuk. Hari ini adalah idenya. Tempat ini dan tanggal ini. Hari ini mudah diingat katanya. Hari ini kami bersenang-senang. 🍂🍂🍂 Tanggal sepuluh bulan sebelas Hari itu kami tak lagi saling bicara. Hari itu saya masih mengingat piknik kami yang terakhir. Hari itu dia ada di pikiran saya. Tempat itu dan tanggal itu. Hari itu saya menemuinya dan mengajaknya berjalan-jalan sebentar. Kami menyusuri dermaga pinggir pantai sambil merasakan angin bertiup semaunya. Hari itu terakhir kalinya kami pergi bersama. Dia melangkah perlahan ke arah yang berlawanan sementara saya melihatnya m

2002 Aku diam Mereka bicara Kami berpisah 2012 Aku bicara Mereka diam Kami berpisah 2018 Haruskah aku menunggu empat tahun lagi untuk sebuah perpisahan?

Mon, 2 Jul 09:07 Hey 09:10 It's me. 09:10 Again Fri, 6 Jul 21:15 You promised me to talk about the scar in you right arm. Wed, 11 Jul 19:51 I missed the bus. Shit! 19:52 Kinda miss you, dear traffic buddy! Sun, 15 Jul 12:10 You know what, I promised myself not to cry this month.  12:10 Yes, only this month 12:11 But damn it's almost unbearable Thu, 19 Jul 08:58 Apa kabarnya? Fri, 20 Jul 06:04 It's my birthday 06:04 Don't you want to say something? Sat, 21 Jul 15:50 Lagi apa? Sun, 22 Jul 08:15 I feel sorry for myself 08:15 A lot Mon, 23 Jul 07:18 Pengin duduk lama di tempat biasa kita call 07:19 Cuma buat ngabisin waktu Thu, 26 Jul 15:02 Hey 18:46 Halo 18:46 How's your work? 18:49 How's your mood? 18:49 Mine is fucked up 18:49 Always 18:50 Gua di tempat biasa ni. 18:50 Call? Mon, 30 Jul 13:29 Hey 13:29 Hari ini gua m

          Selamat pagi. Jangan lupa bahagia! ^^ Setengah mengantuk kutekan tombol “tweet” di layar hp kemudian melempar telepon genggamku entah ke mana. Jam dinding berwarna kuning dengan motif telur mata sapi yang berada tepat di atas pintu masuk kamar menunjukkan pukul 8.00. Masih terlalu pagi untuk memulai hari , pikirku sambil berusaha meneruskan tidur yang terganggu. *** Cuaca yang terik membuatku merasa matahari bukan lagi bersinar, melainkan membakar kepalaku. Apalagi ketika harus berjalan kaki yang tentu saja bukan atas dasar kesehatan atau kesenangan menikmati sekitar, melainkan untuk menghemat ongkos yang sama dengan tarif satu jam pemakaian di warnet langganan. “Mas, paket biasa ya!” kataku pada operator warnet yang entah siapa namanya tapi berhubung sering ke sini sejak beberapa tahun lalu, mungkin tidak ada salahnya merasa kami sudah cukup akrab hingga ia sudah paham dengan apa yang kumaksud “biasa”. Ia menganggukkan kepalanya sekilas saat aku berjalan

"Hey there" "Hey" "How are you today?" "Umm.. Today? I'm good. Yeah, I guess so. At least, I'm trying." "Ahaha.. okay. So, how does it feel?" "What do you mean? To get older and broke(n-hearted)? LOL" "Any special wish?" "Let's be cliche and keep saying about "be happy" and shit." "But don't you think happiness is a myth?" "Since we're talking about wishes, so.. well.." "Any good things happened lately?" "Idk. Maybe." "What about the last promise you got this month?" "I broke it days ago. Can't help it. Ahaha. What a shame!" "Do you have any plans for the rest of the year?" "T o eat-write-trip more, to  survive every single day as a normal human being, to stay alive at the end of the day, to sleep simply as the way to have a rest not because

I miss people. I hate myself for every time I feel uneasy dealing with people. I prefer lock myself alone at home, do my work alone in the corner with earphone and radio on. I avoid eye contact, either I’m in a crowd or just passing by somewhere. I start thinking that I’m afraid of people for no reason. I don’t know what-to-say or what-to-do when people around. I would keep blabbering about this and that instead of having a dead-air and being awkward. I regret a lot about what-I-said or what-I-did after spending time with people. I think that wouldn’t be that hard to start mingle whenever good people surround me. I think so but it’s not. I want to live a normal life with at least one or two people closer and even more around. I realize that it would make this shitty life seems bearable. I just need some time. I miss people, it’s so true, but I miss myself more.

Let me have a month with no tears. Only this month. Please... Hang on, dear broken soul!

I was stuck in my night class when I got your text. I read it twice. I checked the date and time. Just want to make sure that it was REALLY you. "Are you still having a class?" I stared at my phone for a while before making a reply. "Yup" A short one that led to a long call in the next hour. Personality, friend of friend, assignment, Nicole Kidman. That was our first call. 📞 It was the night after an overtime work, when I bought myself a pair of shoes as a reward. I was too busy picking up the size and model when my phone rang. It was you. I froze for a second and answered it happily. Where-are-you, aren't-you-going-home-yet, friend's wedding, partner. That was our second call. 📞 📞 Been too long for keeping this feeling and I couldn't hold it anymore. That might be okay to make such a confession with no intention. I just thought that you had to know. At least, they were things that pop

What makes one stay invisible in a social media? I'm trying to ask myself here. For me, social media is not a place where I am going to expand my network or build such a relationship by getting closer. Since the first time I signed up, I let myself become herself -sincere and alive, bitter and pathetic-. For me, what's the point of showing daily me online? Since all of them are strangers, it would be fair to let them know the same side of me through what I said and what I have in mind, not because who-I-am or what-I-do. For me, social media is such another world where I could never experienced in real life. I speak about this and that, blabber on nothing and everything. Distracting myself every time I overthink and my head about going exploded. I have no worry about those who read and I don't feel sorry for what they read. For me, what's the point of meeting up with online people? Let's say I have enough trust issue thanks to the life e

Ini adalah kisah yang terjadi di sebuah negeri bernama Kupiland, tepatnya di desa terpencil yang biasa dikenal sebagai zKupillage dengan penduduk aslinya yang disebut zKupillacious. Sesuai dengan namanya, desa ini merupakan penghasil utama terbesar kacang hijau. Selain menjadi makanan utama para penduduknya yang berjumlah 306 orang, kacang hijau juga diekspor sampai ke luar negeri seperti Yellowland, Republic of Purple, bahkan Indonesia. Tidak hanya terkenal sebagai bubur yang dimasak sesuai resep asli zKupillacious, masyarakat luar juga gemar menjadikannya sebagai bahan dasar membuat es krim atau jajanan pasar seperti kue ku dan bakpia. *** Suatu ketika seorang anak laki-laki berkacamata bernama Isaac (biasa dipanggil Aizek), yang sedang duduk di atas tumpukan daun kering sambil diam-diam memakan nasi goreng yang dipesannya lewat layanan pesanan antar dan mendengarkan lagu berjudul sama dengan warna kesukaannya yaitu Kuning dari band Rumahsakit, melihat sebuah pohon tinggi

I couldn't recall the first time I realized that something's been wrong with the way I live. Things seemed okay for about 20 years I have been part of this world. "Okay" sounds too much so let's say it is bearable enough. There were so-called friends and even crush. I had laugh over nothing and everything. Tried to do this and that, spent time here and there. At least, I did my work well. At least, I had people to talk to. At least, I could eat and sleep as it was supposed to be. At least, I lived. Never thought about living as a broken-hearted one. Never thought about promising self over and over to be less pathetic. Never thought about being alone is such a bliss yet suffocating. Never thought about life could be shitty enough to hit me hard. Well, look at me now. I'm tired. So much. Too tired, I have no words to say. People, work, life, even with myself. I cry. A lot. It'

If only I could say something to someone right now, it would be "help!" or "why?". I don't know who would give me a help or tell me why. I know that a help could come in terms of a person, a thing, a situation, or anything. Sadly, I have no idea what do I need (or even that I want) Help me  by stay around cause it's hard for me to get all by myself. Please... I'm begging you. I know some questions better left unanswered. But why? Why do I keep feeling hurt? Why is it so hard to be (so-called) happy or even just to be simply ok?

“I met her in a funeral.” Failed to remember the last time I heard your voice that clear. “I met her in a funeral.” Never thought that I would get hurt like this just to hear you talking about someone else. “I met her in a funeral.” Your smiling voice, those sparkling eyes… As you remembered that time you met her. “I met her in a funeral.” There were times when I saw you with other ones, looked happily, but this one was more suffocating. “I met her in a funeral.” Tell me more, I want to know. I met her in a funeral.” Here I am wondering if the word 'funeral' meant that I should bury all of my feelings to you.